Last Letter to my Nei Nei

Dear Nei Nei,

I would like to ask for your forgiveness.
Please forgive me for being angry with you and not visiting you as much in the recent years.
I got upset after hearing what someone close to me said about what you did.
You could have really said those words but may not have meant what you said.
You could have simply been influenced by others and said those words.
Whatever it is, the anger should not have remained in me.
I should have let go. I should have visited you more often.

I must say that I had a good time chatting with you in these last few weeks of your life.
When I was a kid and used to sleep with you, I'd wake up in the night touching you, listening to your heart thumping to make sure you were still breathing and have not left me.
When I told you this 2 weeks ago, I could see that you do cherish the times we spent together.
You even reminded me how I used to help you wrap your feet in thick blankets because they were constantly cold.

When I woke up unconscious from a fall at the beachside, you were the one holding me and rubbing medicated oil on my nostrils.
When I refused to submit to my kindergarten teacher's indignant punishment to stand on the chairs and pull my ears because I did no wrong, you were the one who came to school to pick me up and apologize to the teacher for my wilfulness.
When I swung the bag of oranges like a pendulum and the bag broke and the oranges rolled all over the market grounds, you were the one who chided me softly and helped me pick them up.
When you found out I could not see in the slightest darkness, you were the one who played hide and seek with me in the dark.

Last week, you asked me again why I gave up a good-paying job to stay at home and look after Ai Ai.
Because I wanted to share such memories with her.
Because I never shared such memories with Mommy.
I am not blaming Mommy in any way as she had to work and support the family.
But if I can adapt my lifestyle to look after Ai Ai full-time and share such memories, what is a few thousand dollars a month?
Although I simply remained silent at your question, you seemed to know what I was thinking and just asked me to have a second baby as soon as possible.

These last few weeks must have been a terrifying period for you.
I could sense your fear of the unknown - of death, and of not knowing what your own state of health is and what will happen to you in the next few days, next few weeks.

Rest in peace now, and one day I will see you in heaven and we will live out our memories again.

Lots of Love,
YM